The Reason Most People Do Not Forgive:
“If I forgive you for what you did, it implies what you did was OK. Since what you did was not OK, I will not forgive you.”
Their Daughter Was Murdered
She was the kind of daughter parents dream of. She was talented, lovely, athletic, intelligent, joyful, and full of dreams for her life. Then one day, tragically, she was brutally murdered.
Her parents died more than a little bit that day. In an attempt to cope, they turned her bedroom into a shrine filled with photographs, trophies, newspaper articles, art projects, and other memorabilia. Unfortunately, this monument served only to intensify their grief.
Months passed, and the more they focused on their loss, the worse their grief became. But a few months later, the girl’s mother had a startling insight.
She asked her husband, “If we’d raised a son who could have done such a thing to another person, just imagine the pain we’d be going through.” Unbelievably, she and her husband went to the parents of their daughter’s killer to help them deal with their own grief and shame.
The deceased girl’s mother created a healing connection with people whom most of us would have resented, avoided, or even attacked. She even influenced her husband to participate.
Realizing they could not change their circumstance, and unwilling to forgive the man who killed their daughter, these people instead found peace by choosing to create a circumstance in which they could be loving and giving. What a powerful and beautiful legacy for their daughter.
You may not agree with their decision. But you have to agree that it took courage.
We may have no control over our circumstances. But we do have control over ourselves and how we handle those circumstances. By their nature, Love-Based Leaders do not follow the crowd. They find a course of action that works, regardless of what most people would do. Some people would call that the mark of greatness.
Four E’s of Excellence
ETHICS - ENTHUSIASM - EVALUATION - EMPATHY
Present in all truly effective personal and professional relationships,
these elements could also be defined as vision, joy, determination,
and compassion. Regardless of the names we assign, self-control is
needed to demonstrate them in the face of negative circumstances.
When you become aware of your negative Fear-Based Reactions,
it becomes easier to see how you are attempting to control others
with actual or implied Position-Power. With that awareness, you
will be empowered to utilize the tools in my book,
THE LOVE-BASED LEADER,
to change your life and your results.
Instead of focusing on what others are doing wrong, learn to use
‘Four E’s of Excellence’ to take responsibility for yourself. Your
impact will be greatly enhanced as you experience the power of
living your life as a Love-Based Leader. It is worth the effort.
Excellence is the Art of Self-Control
From:
The Love-Based Leader
The Green Beret
Many years ago, there was a police officer in my class who literally had no fears. Officer ‘Smith’, a former Green Beret, was a member of his department’s S.W.A.T. team. He could not relate to any Fear-Based discussions, except from the position of being able to see how other people reacted to him because of their fears.
Officer Smith told us of his dream to become a Secret Service Agent. In fact, everything in his life had been geared to that one goal for as long as he could remember.
Unfortunately, his dream was destroyed by a single event. One night, while still in the army, he got in a bar fight because someone whistled at his date. It turned into a ‘Rambo’ situation, with him ending up fighting the whole bar, and beating up several men. After his arrest he found out that he had lost his security clearance, and his dream was now gone. There was no chance he could ever become a Secret Service Agent.
When he finished telling this story, I took a breath and said, “So basically, what you are telling me is that you are a weakling. You have no power, and it’s probably a good thing that you didn’t become a Secret Service Agent.”
I could see his rage building as I continued, “Let me get this straight. A guy did something you didn’t like, so you had to make him pay for it. Let’s see now, he spent an evening at the hospital, and you lost your dream. Who do you think paid the higher price? Who really lost?”
“They hurt your feelings, your pride, and your ego
for a minute. By reacting with rage,
you hurt yourself for a lifetime.”
His jaw slackened and he just looked at me. I continued, “You lost. You were beaten by sound waves. What a wimp.” I have never been the type of person to quit when I was ahead.
I was slowly backing up at that point because I was pretty sure I would get a reaction. But he just smiled and said, “I understand. I think I’m getting it now. I’ve arrested people who’ve thrown their lives away because someone else made them mad. I always wondered how they could be so blind. Yet, I did exactly the same thing.”
I smiled and breathed a sigh of relief. He smiled again and said, “You are the first person who has ever called me a name like that and walked away.” I was truly grateful he understood what I was talking about. Had he attacked me, our fight would have been a joke. While he probably knew dozens of ways of killing someone, I have never even been in a fistfight … not even once.
“Love thy neighbor as thyself.”
... Leviticus 19:18
Based on how most people love themselves,
our neighbors are in serious trouble.
From:
THE LOVE-BASED LEADER
The concept of Love-Based Leadership is not new.
But it is time for everyone to get with the program!
“Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”
‘The Golden Rule.’ Jesus, The Holy Bible, Matthew 7:12
“Not one of you truly believes
until you wish for others what you wish for yourself.”
Islam – The Prophet Muhammad, Hadith
“When you hurt someone else, you hurt yourself even more.”
Your Grandmother
“What is hateful to you, do not do to your neighbor.”
Judaism – Hillel, Talmud, Shabbat 31a
“Treat not others in ways that you
yourself would find hurtful.”
Buddhism – The Buddha, Udana-Varga 5.18
“For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction,
and a resultant.”
Sir Isaac Newton
“Do not do to others
what would cause pain if done to you.”
Hinduism – Mahabharata 5:1517
“Do not do to others
what you do not want done to yourself.”
Confucianism – Confucius, Analects 15:23
“We are but strands in the web of life.
Whatsoever we do to the web, we do to ourselves.”
Chief Seattle, of the Suquamish and Duwamish Native American Tribes
“Lay not on any soul a load that you would not wish
to be laid upon you, and desire not for anyone the things
you would not desire for yourself.”
Baha’I Faith – Baha’u’llah, Gleanings
“And in the end,
the love you take is equal to the love you make.”
The End – The Beatles, Lennon & McCartney, Abbey Road.
Finally, I contribute:
“And in the end,
the hate you take is equal to the hate YOU make.”
If you think this equation is wrong, then you need to look in the mirror. I challenge you to overcome your Fear-Based Reactions and create personal and professional greatness as a Love-Based Leader.
Regardless of your circumstances, and how you feel about them,
you really do have a choice ...
Live Fear-Based
– or –
Lead Love-Based
(From The Love-Based Leader)
The Business World Is Changing
The vast majority of the world’s largest corporations in 1900 are no longer in business. The Fortune 500 list from just 20 years ago, only slightly resembles today’s list; and it is changing even as you read this chapter.
Current and Past Achievements
Do NOT Equate With Future Successes
Over the last century, the premise in the business world has often reflected two basic principles:
Nevertheless, despite the overwhelming emphasis on this old structure, Fear-Based management techniques are rapidly losing effectiveness. Globalization, the Internet, and increasing political, social, and competitive pressures are having a dramatic effect upon the business culture in America, and everywhere else.
Not only are an ever-increasing number of people not operating in alignment with corporate strategic plans, there is an increasing problem with staff turnover and employee dissatisfaction. As a result, more and more top-level people are leaving to work for competitors, or to start their own businesses.
The problem (and opportunity) is that the average employee has easy access to more knowledge and information than an entire corporation could obtain in the 1960’s. Additionally, far more employees are trained to be much more creative than in the past. As a result, they often have their own agenda of what is needed for the company.
When this occurs, not only does it frustrate the employee, it can place the employee out of alignment with corporate strategy. This will reduce the effectiveness of even the best strategic plan.
With the business world changing so rapidly, what now determines an organization’s ability to survive and thrive is management’s ability to Pro-Act and Create Consensus with independent thinking employees, staff, vendors, and customers. Organizations that are oblivious to this fact, are doomed.
“Every time I left a marriage, everything I was running from
got to the next relationship before I did.”
A former student after her 4th divorce.
(From The Love-Based Leader)
On GIVING
Imagine a man freezing in an old log cabin
during a blizzard. Holding an armload of wood and
standing before a cold wood-stove, he shouts,
“Stove, I’ll give you wood,
when you give me heat.”
And he just stands there, freezing to death.
Holding on to the one thing that will save him.
When you wait to give ...
"I'll work really hard when I get that promotion."
"I'll give you love, when you show me love."
"I'll support you when you join my team."
... then, just as that man in the cabin,
you will freeze to death,
in relationships and careers,
when you hold on to what you have to give.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Quit focusing on what you are going to GET.
Focus on what you have to GIVE.
(From The Love-Based Leader)
The Four Fear-Based Reactions
We are all looking for happier and more fulfilled lives. Whether our desires are modest or spectacular, we often go to extreme lengths to get what we want. While we are all hoping to get lucky, we inherently know one thing ... our own actions have the primary impact on our success or failure.
Yet somehow, time after time, we self-sabotage. Sometimes we are blind to what we are doing, and of course nothing changes. At other times, even though we are fully aware we are acting in a counter-productive or even a destructive manner, we just cannot stop ourselves. Either way, it is our habitual negative behaviors that can make us each our own worst enemy.
Any such pattern, whether conscious or unconscious, is based upon fear. It could be a fear of getting something we do not want (such as rejection or physical pain), or a fear of losing something we do want (such as a relationship or a job). Either way, our own Fear-Based Reactions are the only true barriers to our personal growth and professional development.
The FOUR Fear-Based Reactions
FIGHT ... FLIGHT ... FREEZE ... FACADE
You may know of the “FIGHT or FLIGHT” survival theory, especially if you took a course such as Psychology 101. This concept describes the two Fear-Based Reactions of our ancient ancestors who, when faced with physical threats, would attack or retreat.
However, these were not the only two Fear-Based Reactions. There is a third form known as the “FREEZE”. Just as a deer freezes when suddenly caught in the headlights of a car, humans have learned to protect themselves by not moving, playing dead, or hiding in a cave.
Most of us probably think of ourselves as modern rational beings. Nonetheless, even though our Fear-Based Reactions are usually more subtle, we still tend to react to threats much as people did ages ago. Basically, we all react with FIGHT, FLIGHT, and FREEZE on a daily basis.
Couples argue and workers rant (FIGHT). People leave marriages and people quit jobs (FLIGHT). Spouses shut each other out and employees immerse themselves into busy-work (FREEZE).
Modern rational beings, however, have developed a fourth Fear-Based Reaction that does not fit the three older categories. I call this reactive category the “FACADE” – a false front, a lie. Whether used as an attempt to hurt someone through deception or to protect oneself or another person with a white-lie, a FACADE reaction is a camouflage of the truth.
Additionally, the four Fear-Based Reactions do not require the pre-requisite of actual danger. Simply feeling threatened is enough to trigger them. Reality and perceptions are equal under the Fear-Based Reaction process.
When reacting from fear, the brain believes whatever you tell it.
The brain does not know the difference between
what is real and what it perceives to be real.
It is important to note that all Fear-Based Reactions can be appropriate responses to actual threatening circumstances. Unfortunately, they can also become habits which may evolve into automatic patterns, even when there is no real threat. Since habits by definition are ‘non-think’ behaviors, in times of stress they can cause you do something you will come to regret ... often leaving you with considerable personal and professional consequences.
Instead of leaving your life to chance, the key to success is to identify and overcome your Fear-Based Reactions to negative circumstances. Think of this book as your ‘tool kit’ in this quest for self-control.
ALL of us have two things in common:
1) We each have a tendency towards TWO of the Fear-Based Reactions.
2) We each will occasionally demonstrate the OTHER two.
By becoming aware of your more obvious Fear-Based Reactions, it will then become easier for you to identify and overcome your more subtle ones. Only then are you truly in charge of your own life.
(From The Love-Based Leader)
