The Love-Based Leader
Creating Desired Results by Overcoming Fear-Based Living

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Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Love-Based Leadership


Regardless of your circumstances, and how you feel about them,


you really do have a choice ...


Live Fear-Based

– or –

Lead Love-Based







(From The Love-Based Leader)




Tuesday, March 23, 2010

The Business World is Changing

The Business World Is Changing


The vast majority of the world’s largest corporations in 1900 are no longer in business. The Fortune 500 list from just 20 years ago, only slightly resembles today’s list; and it is changing even as you read this chapter.


Current and Past Achievements

Do NOT Equate With Future Successes


Over the last century, the premise in the business world has often reflected two basic principles:

    1. The leaders of a company needed to have a clear vision, and a strategic plan for its achievement.
    2. Management’s job was the successful implementation of that plan through the Fear-Based motivation, manipulation, and control of its employees and staff.

Nevertheless, despite the overwhelming emphasis on this old structure, Fear-Based management techniques are rapidly losing effectiveness. Globalization, the Internet, and increasing political, social, and competitive pressures are having a dramatic effect upon the business culture in America, and everywhere else.


Not only are an ever-increasing number of people not operating in alignment with corporate strategic plans, there is an increasing problem with staff turnover and employee dissatisfaction. As a result, more and more top-level people are leaving to work for competitors, or to start their own businesses.


The problem (and opportunity) is that the average employee has easy access to more knowledge and information than an entire corporation could obtain in the 1960’s. Additionally, far more employees are trained to be much more creative than in the past. As a result, they often have their own agenda of what is needed for the company.


When this occurs, not only does it frustrate the employee, it can place the employee out of alignment with corporate strategy. This will reduce the effectiveness of even the best strategic plan.


With the business world changing so rapidly, what now determines an organization’s ability to survive and thrive is management’s ability to Pro-Act and Create Consensus with independent thinking employees, staff, vendors, and customers. Organizations that are oblivious to this fact, are doomed.







(From The Love-Based Leader)


Saturday, March 20, 2010

The FLIGHT Fear-Based Reaction


“Every time I left a marriage, everything I was running from

got to the next relationship before I did.”


A former student after her 4th divorce.








(From The Love-Based Leader)



Friday, March 19, 2010

Giving


On GIVING



Imagine a man freezing in an old log cabin

during a blizzard. Holding an armload of wood and
standing before a cold wood-stove, he shouts,


“Stove, I’ll give you wood, 

when you give me heat.”


And he just stands there, freezing to death.

Holding on to the one thing that will save him.




When you wait to give ...


"I'll work really hard when I get that promotion."


"I'll give you love, when you show me love."


"I'll support you when you join my team."


... then, just as that man in the cabin, 

you will freeze to death, 

in relationships and careers, 

when you hold on to what you have to give.


_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _



Quit focusing on what you are going to GET.


Focus on what you have to GIVE.








(From The Love-Based Leader)


Tuesday, March 16, 2010

The Four Fear-Based Reactions

The Four Fear-Based Reactions


We are all looking for happier and more fulfilled lives. Whether our desires are modest or spectacular, we often go to extreme lengths to get what we want. While we are all hoping to get lucky, we inherently know one thing ... our own actions have the primary impact on our success or failure.


Yet somehow, time after time, we self-sabotage. Sometimes we are blind to what we are doing, and of course nothing changes. At other times, even though we are fully aware we are acting in a counter-productive or even a destructive manner, we just cannot stop ourselves. Either way, it is our habitual negative behaviors that can make us each our own worst enemy.


Any such pattern, whether conscious or unconscious, is based upon fear. It could be a fear of getting something we do not want (such as rejection or physical pain), or a fear of losing something we do want (such as a relationship or a job). Either way, our own Fear-Based Reactions are the only true barriers to our personal growth and professional development.

The FOUR Fear-Based Reactions


FIGHT ... FLIGHT ... FREEZE ... FACADE



You may know of the “FIGHT or FLIGHT” survival theory, especially if you took a course such as Psychology 101. This concept describes the two Fear-Based Reactions of our ancient ancestors who, when faced with physical threats, would attack or retreat.


However, these were not the only two Fear-Based Reactions. There is a third form known as the “FREEZE”. Just as a deer freezes when suddenly caught in the headlights of a car, humans have learned to protect themselves by not moving, playing dead, or hiding in a cave.


Most of us probably think of ourselves as modern rational beings. Nonetheless, even though our Fear-Based Reactions are usually more subtle, we still tend to react to threats much as people did ages ago. Basically, we all react with FIGHT, FLIGHT, and FREEZE on a daily basis.


Couples argue and workers rant (FIGHT). People leave marriages and people quit jobs (FLIGHT). Spouses shut each other out and employees immerse themselves into busy-work (FREEZE).


Modern rational beings, however, have developed a fourth Fear-Based Reaction that does not fit the three older categories. I call this reactive category the “FACADE” – a false front, a lie. Whether used as an attempt to hurt someone through deception or to protect oneself or another person with a white-lie, a FACADE reaction is a camouflage of the truth.


Additionally, the four Fear-Based Reactions do not require the pre-requisite of actual danger. Simply feeling threatened is enough to trigger them. Reality and perceptions are equal under the Fear-Based Reaction process.



When reacting from fear, the brain believes whatever you tell it.


The brain does not know the difference between

what is real and what it perceives to be real.



It is important to note that all Fear-Based Reactions can be appropriate responses to actual threatening circumstances. Unfortunately, they can also become habits which may evolve into automatic patterns, even when there is no real threat. Since habits by definition are ‘non-think’ behaviors, in times of stress they can cause you do something you will come to regret ... often leaving you with considerable personal and professional consequences.


Instead of leaving your life to chance, the key to success is to identify and overcome your Fear-Based Reactions to negative circumstances. Think of this book as your ‘tool kit’ in this quest for self-control.



ALL of us have two things in common:


1) We each have a tendency towards TWO of the Fear-Based Reactions.

2) We each will occasionally demonstrate the OTHER two.



By becoming aware of your more obvious Fear-Based Reactions, it will then become easier for you to identify and overcome your more subtle ones. Only then are you truly in charge of your own life.








(From The Love-Based Leader)


Monday, March 15, 2010

Self-Improvement Course for Nations

"We're All In This Together"

The Self-Improvement Course For Nations


Professional Self-Improvement Seminars began with Dale Carnegie in the 1930’s. The 1960’s saw the development of Personal Growth Seminars such as Sylva Mind Control, Mind Dynamics, and ‘est.' After that came Lifespring, LifeStream, Context, Insights, PSI World, Life Dynamics, Actualizations, PDI, Landmark Forum and hundreds of others. Then, in 2002, Dr Phil brought the concepts and techniques of self-improvement to mainstream TV audiences with his Get Real seminars. Now, let’s explore what it might look like if nations got into the act.


Facilitator: Welcome to "We’re All In This Together" the self-improvement seminar for nations. Some of you have existed as nations for hundreds of years, while others are relatively new. Regardless, none of you would be here today if there was not something you wanted to improve. First, let’s get to know each other. Please stand and tell us about yourself. Why are you here? What do you need to change to improve your results? What is your commitment to your own growth? Who wants to start? There, in the front row… New Zealand.


New Zealand: Hi everyone, I’m New Zealand.


Facilitator: Hello. So, why are you here?


New Zealand: I’m frustrated. It seems that no matter what I do, none of the other nations ever seem to notice me.


Facilitator: You realize the problem here is much bigger than ‘other nations not noticing you.’ How do you feel about yourself?


New Zealand: OK, I guess. But, I just never feel like I’m good enough.


Facilitator: In my experience, most nations are their own worst enemy.


New Zealand: That’s for sure. I’d never be friends with a country that treated me the way I treat me.


Facilitator: So it sounds like your real issue is self-worth. Would it be a satisfying experience for you if you could end this weekend feeling better about yourself?


New Zealand: Absolutely. I’d give anything for that.


Facilitator: Ok, New Zealand. Are you committed to that?


New Zealand: Yes. Sure.


Facilitator: Let me who else could use more ‘self-worth." I see hands by Dominican Republic, Mexico, South Africa, Thailand and hey … is that? Yes! Good for you, Russia. Everyone, let’s give New Zealand a round of applause. OK, who is next? There, in the back row, Switzerland.


Switzerland: Hi.


Facilitator: Hello Switzerland. So, why are you here?


Switzerland: I don’t know. I really don’t know. Perhaps I need to quit being so analytical?


Facilitator: Is that something you really want to change?


Switzerland: Sure. Just like anyone, I’d like to be spontaneous and have more fun.


Facilitator: OK. For the rest of the weekend I want you to focus on being spontaneous. OK?


Switzerland: OK. I’ll try.


Facilitator: Oops. As Yoda said, "There is no try, only DO."


Switzerland: Right. I’ll be spontaneous.


Facilitator: Great. Let me see the hands of the nations that need to be more spontaneous? I see Japan, Germany, Cuba, and Tibet … and there appear to be several nations who can’t decide. Trust me, if you’re asking yourself the question, "Do I need to be more spontaneous?" … You probably need to be. OK, who is next?"


France: I’ll go.


Facilitator: Terrific. So what brings you here?


France: Easy. I hate being judged. The USA over there has, how you say, a "control" issue and won’t listen to anybody. I tell them not to attack Iraq and suddenly I’m the bad guy. Is this fair?


Facilitator: Whoa, slow down. Such negativity. What are you doing to yourself?


France: Nothing. I’d prefer to have a little wine and make love. Maybe make some money. But no. The USA wants all the money and thinks critics are automatically their enemies.


Facilitator: OK. Stop. I think your problems are a lot bigger than the USA. What do you want?


France: Peace. I want to enjoy life without worrying about other nations.


Facilitator: The first step is to stop being so critical. Don’t you see that if you don’t stop judging others, you will never get them to stop judging you?


France: Possibly. But the USA has to stop trying to lead by force all the time.


Facilitator: OK. I’ll bite. How would you like them to act?


France: With love, of course.


Facilitator: So, you would like for the USA to exert more of a love-based approach to its leadership?


France: That would be magnifique.


Facilitator: Then you need to show them how. Demonstrate Love-Based leadership. Let’s start with acceptance. Repeat after me. "Criticism in any form is destructive."


France: You have got to be kidding.


Facilitator: Do you want peace?


France: Oui.


Facilitator: So, take a step and repeat after me. "Criticism in any form is destructive."


France: Criticism in any form is destructive.


Facilitator: Pretty good. Everybody give France a big hand. It’s a start France. Keep it up for the weekend and let’s see where it goes. OK?


France: Oui.


Facilitator: USA … your turn.


USA: This is ridiculous. I don’t need to be here.


France: See. There he goes already.


Facilitator: Um, France … we’re working on acceptance, OK?


France: Oui.


Facilitator: USA, Let’s try again. So, what’s going on?


USA: Great. Swell. This is perfect. I get attacked no matter what I do. After 9/11, everyone supported me against al-Quaeda. Then, when I go after Iraq, everyone has amnesia. To hell with you all. I don’t get mad. I get even!


Facilitator: Fascinating. Tell me. What are you feeling right now?


USA: Resentment. Anger. I am really mad.


Facilitator: Oh, sounds like you do not really mean it when you say, "I don’t get mad. I get even". I think what you really mean is, "When I get mad, I get even." So, what’s that anger doing to you?


USA: Nothing.


Facilitator: Nothing? You look like you are going to pop a vein.


USA: OK, so I’m a little stressed. What do you expect?


Facilitator: I don’t expect anything. I just want to know what that anger is doing to you.


USA: I guess it’s not helping me all that much.


Facilitator: I didn’t ask what it’s NOT doing, I asked what it IS doing.


USA: Well, OK. It’s … it’s hurting me. But I don’t know what else to do.


Facilitator: Fair enough. Let’s look a little deeper. What is your anger doing to your relationships?


USA: My relationships are fine.


Facilitator: Oh really? Wasn’t France your first relationship?


USA: Yep. But look at her. I bailed her out in WWI and WWII, and what’s the thanks I get… backstabbing.


Facilitator: So. Let me see now. France makes you mad?


USA: Tons.


Facilitator: And Iraq makes you mad?


USA: Sure


Facilitator: Who else?


USA: North Korea, Afghanistan, Iran … a bunch of them.


Facilitator: So, everyone else is wrong?


USA: Don’t say it like that. I’m not paranoid. They really are out to get me.


Facilitator: Even the nations that simply don’t want you to go to war?


USA: Yes.


Facilitator: I think you need to look a little deeper. Do you really think you’ll be happy when every other nation changes the way it’s treating you?


USA: Where are you going with this?


Facilitator: The foundation of this seminar is that there are only two ways you can improve your results in the international community. 1) Other nations change how they treat you, or 2) You change how you treat other nations. There is not a third alternative. So let me ask you the question again. Do you really think you’ll be happy when every other nation changes the way it’s treating you?


USA: No. I guess not. They all do things I think they should change.


Facilitator: Can I be honest with you?


USA: Sure. Why not?


Facilitator: When someone else makes you mad, who is in control of your anger?


USA: I am. Yes. I am in charge of my own feelings, right?


Facilitator: Not exactly. Follow me here. If they don’t do something wrong, you’re not mad. Right?


USA: Right


Facilitator: You only get mad when they do something wrong?


USA: Yep.


Facilitator: Well, if someone else’s behavior is causing your behavior… who is really in charge?


USA: I am. Well, nope. Wait a minute … OK. I get it, they are.


Facilitator: Very good. Bottom line. You are not in charge of yourself, but you want to control everyone else.


USA: Sounds pathetic when you say it like that.


Facilitator: Interesting response.


USA: So what should I do? Open my borders? Chant? Send flowers to terrorists?


Facilitator: I don’t know what your answer is. But do you need anger to institute better immigration policies?


USA: No … OK OK, I get it… so what should I do.


Facilitator: Perhaps the answer is not in what you do to protect yourself, but in how you do it. Perhaps you need to do the same things you are doing, but at least do them with some compassion for the problems of other nations. Personally, I’ve always thought you were at your strongest when you came from kindness. Let me ask you … do you want to be in charge of yourself?


USA: Absolutely


Facilitator: Then you need to stop reacting and start rebuilding the trust in your relationships.


USA: Yeah, I guess so. That would help.


Facilitator: Then let’s start with your resentment with France. Repeat after me … ready?


USA: Might as well. OK.


Facilitator: Look directly at France and say, "I love you and I accept you, even though I don’t understand you."


USA: Oh come on! After what she has done? No way.


Facilitator: USA, just try it. Now tell her, "I love you and I accept you, even though I don’t understand you."


USA: I love you and I accept you, even though I don’t understand you.


Facilitator: There you go. That wasn’t too bad was it? Now you and France give each other a hug. It’s a start. Everyone, give the USA and France a big hand. Now, everyone get a partner. I want you all to try this with at least three other nations. "I love you and I accept you, even though I don’t understand you." Ready, begin…